January 2026
New Year Same Shit
This year has started off extremely rough. We decided to pause our Italy trip. For now, our money is saved in a Money Market account, but between the Olympics and the U.S. making enemies with foreign countries, we feel that it's not the best time to travel at the moment. Not only that, but we got scammed on our passports because we thought we could apply for them online. I was able to get a refund at least. For now, this gives me a chance to look into petitioning to get a middle name, and from there, I can take that, along with our marriage certificate, and get all of that changed over.
I also got rejected form The University of Utah for this fall. They told me to apply again, but it does feel a little defeating. What is meant to be will be, and I have to remind myself of that when times get a little rough and out of my control.
I also got rejected form The University of Utah for this fall. They told me to apply again, but it does feel a little defeating. What is meant to be will be, and I have to remind myself of that when times get a little rough and out of my control.
Adventures!
Birthdays, Dream Scapes and Libraries:
One of my nieces had her 17th birthday this month, and to help celebrate, we took her and her little brother out to the mall and told her to pick out whatever she wanted, and she did! We let her brother pick some things out, too, so he wouldn't feel left out, of course.
Sheldon and I also took the time to take one of his nieces and nephews for a day out. We checked out a queer book shop downtown called Under The Umbrella. It was a neat experience, to say the least. They require everyone to wear masks for the safety of their staff, which we have no problem with. I did notice that it might have been a little too adult a queer space for the kids, based on some of the displays. I am also all for supporting queer books and authors, but I didn't notice any other variety of books outside of the LGBTQIA+ scene.
We then took them to one of my favourite little shops called The Legendarium. It's a tavern-style bookshop owned by a trans community. The shop is very tiny, so sadly the kids got a little clausterphobic but maybe we will try again on another day. They do have a great variety of LGBTQIA+ and other varieties of books. They also have a variety of dice and TTRPG books/game nights there as well.
The bookshops are a tiny bit of a fail, so we took the kids to check out DreamScapes. This was neat for all of us because we have not been there ourselves. It's a cool interactive art museum that is put together by local artists. They are also very innovative by using recycling as art. In a way, it was like MeowWolf but more local and community-based.
TWICE Concert:
I travelled with my cousin and a mutual friend to Pheonix Arizona, to see the TWICE concert! The concert itself was very enjoyable! I loved having the opportunity to get to see one of my favourite groups live. Jeongyeon was sick and couldn't perform with everyone else, and Dhayun had an injured ankle, so she sat and sang during the concert.
I know it comes with buying cheaper tickets, but the only disappointing part was that the light bars were covering the megatron, so we couldn't see the performance as high up. I also stood in line for two hours to get a tour t-shirt that is the exact same style as my Black Pink one, only blue. The light sticks synced up with the concert music, which was super awesome to experience!
Arizona was super fun to explore as well! We were able to check out the Japanese Friendship Garden, which, honestly, was a little overpriced, but that's okay. I was able to try an Italian restaurant that I wanted to check out, as well as a sushi ramen bar! Everything in Arizona seems to be prickly pear-flavour themed, so I was able to get a few delicious drinks. One was a Peach Hibiscus prickly pear drink, and I really wish I had asked for the recipe! Oh, I was also able to try some jackfruit, and it tasted like pork!
I feel that I'm more confident to travel on my own one day!
Reading:
I've had the opportunity to listen to a few audiobooks this month, which helps me feel somewhat productive in terms of having me time.
I was able to read book 3 in The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flammel series. It's one of those series that feel like a slow-burn read, but I also want to know what happens, so I'm committed to finishing it.
I also read book 3 of the A Throne of Glass series. It's super good, but the libraries don't have the rest of the audiobooks. Audible owns the rights or something to the rest of the series.
I read Pageboy, which is an autobiography of Elliott Page. It was an interesting read, considering I've always loved the movies and shows he's been in!
I read the What The River Knows series (It's only two books). I felt pretty invested in them due to some of the unexpected twists and turns it took! The setting was in Egypt, and it was a fictional story about finding CleoPatras toom.
I was also able to listen to I Am Number Four. It was a good read. I will end up following the series to see where it goes.
A short but good read was The Alchemist. It felt very fitting for what is going on in my life right now. Just having that reminder to trust in the universe and focus on what you want in life.
The Song of Achilles was a really good read! It's an LGBTQIA+ novel about Achilles lover.
Last but not least, I'm in the middle of a book called The Wolf King, and it's basically a smut novel about werewolves and medieval times. Either way, I'm SUPER enjoying the story as a whole. They did a duet audio read, and the male character has a Scottish accent, and I'm ALL FOR IT!
I was able to read book 3 in The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flammel series. It's one of those series that feel like a slow-burn read, but I also want to know what happens, so I'm committed to finishing it.
I also read book 3 of the A Throne of Glass series. It's super good, but the libraries don't have the rest of the audiobooks. Audible owns the rights or something to the rest of the series.
I read Pageboy, which is an autobiography of Elliott Page. It was an interesting read, considering I've always loved the movies and shows he's been in!
I read the What The River Knows series (It's only two books). I felt pretty invested in them due to some of the unexpected twists and turns it took! The setting was in Egypt, and it was a fictional story about finding CleoPatras toom.
I was also able to listen to I Am Number Four. It was a good read. I will end up following the series to see where it goes.
A short but good read was The Alchemist. It felt very fitting for what is going on in my life right now. Just having that reminder to trust in the universe and focus on what you want in life.
The Song of Achilles was a really good read! It's an LGBTQIA+ novel about Achilles lover.
Last but not least, I'm in the middle of a book called The Wolf King, and it's basically a smut novel about werewolves and medieval times. Either way, I'm SUPER enjoying the story as a whole. They did a duet audio read, and the male character has a Scottish accent, and I'm ALL FOR IT!
Caffeine & Legends January's Monthly Book Box
Book of The Month:
Book of The Month:
Allure Book Club
Mental Health Status:
Psychiatry/Psychology:
My mental health has not been great at all. In fact, my depression has been at a low that it hasn't been for a very long time. Last month, I didn't know what was going to happen, so to respect the privacy of my family, I didn't want to be specific about whom it was about. Now that things have progressed in a negative direciton I feel a little more open to talking about it.
The person who has been in the hospital is one of my sisters. The doctors had me, my mother, and her husband sit down and make decisions for the harsh reality of everything. They told us that when we first brought her in, she only had a few weeks left to live. Now that she's had some help, she has a few months left to live.
They said that her liver is no longer responding to the treatments that they have been giving her. Eventually, her kidneys are going to start to go out for making up for what her liver can't do. She has permanent brain atrophy due to the severity of her alcholism so she has the memory of a dementia patient. If she can stay sober for six months, there is a chance that she could get a new liver; she would be lucky to be alive for three months. Her heart could stop at any moment, and usually, brain atrophy can get you rejected from the waiting list in general.
That being said, this was the second time that she had to hear she was dying, and it was very hard to watch. I, of course, did what most grieving people do and asked if I was a match, then could I donate a part of my liver and a kidney to her. The doctors told me she would need a whole liver and not a partial one.
The decision for the DNR was a rough one to make. We all want her to live, but we don't want her to be miserable. We decided against resuscitation because there is a chance that it could cause further brain damage due to a lack of oxygen during the process. Any injuries from it would most likely not heal due to her body's condition. We also decided against a feeding tube because most dementia patients forget what it is and rip it out. That would cause severe bleeding and more damage to her.
They transferred her to a skilled nursing facility for a few days, which ended up being pointless. She was very confused there and scared. After asking to go home, they finally allowed her on the condition that they make her house a little more accessible. She has issues walking, and her skin and bone condition turned into mass swelling. It's slowly going back to skin and bones again, though. I read that a lot of this is due to the toxins in her liver.
She's going to be spending her final days with her family, and that's been really hard on everyone. Grieving starts the second you're told someone is going to die, but it's a waiting game... I want all of the time that I can have with he,r but I also want her to not be miserable anymore. It's a ticking clock in terms of when it will end. The doctors recently told us she has about a month left.
I've been very angry, very sad, very anxious, along with a lot of childhood trauma responses seeping back into place despite all of the progress I've had through therapy and medication. I'm emotionally exhausted, which has led me to be mentally burned out, and it's affected me physically overall.
It's hard to just sit down and distract myself or to go to work and mask as if everything is normal. I don't want to sit and talk about it nonstop or sob all of the time. However, I also don't want to suppress my emotions to the point that I just pop out of the blue. There's a lot of therapy work when it comes to grieving, but there doesn't seem to be a lot for anticipatory grief, and that's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm waking up, I'm getting out of bed, and I'm trying my best to just exist and do what I can until I figure out how to handle all of this.
The person who has been in the hospital is one of my sisters. The doctors had me, my mother, and her husband sit down and make decisions for the harsh reality of everything. They told us that when we first brought her in, she only had a few weeks left to live. Now that she's had some help, she has a few months left to live.
They said that her liver is no longer responding to the treatments that they have been giving her. Eventually, her kidneys are going to start to go out for making up for what her liver can't do. She has permanent brain atrophy due to the severity of her alcholism so she has the memory of a dementia patient. If she can stay sober for six months, there is a chance that she could get a new liver; she would be lucky to be alive for three months. Her heart could stop at any moment, and usually, brain atrophy can get you rejected from the waiting list in general.
That being said, this was the second time that she had to hear she was dying, and it was very hard to watch. I, of course, did what most grieving people do and asked if I was a match, then could I donate a part of my liver and a kidney to her. The doctors told me she would need a whole liver and not a partial one.
The decision for the DNR was a rough one to make. We all want her to live, but we don't want her to be miserable. We decided against resuscitation because there is a chance that it could cause further brain damage due to a lack of oxygen during the process. Any injuries from it would most likely not heal due to her body's condition. We also decided against a feeding tube because most dementia patients forget what it is and rip it out. That would cause severe bleeding and more damage to her.
They transferred her to a skilled nursing facility for a few days, which ended up being pointless. She was very confused there and scared. After asking to go home, they finally allowed her on the condition that they make her house a little more accessible. She has issues walking, and her skin and bone condition turned into mass swelling. It's slowly going back to skin and bones again, though. I read that a lot of this is due to the toxins in her liver.
She's going to be spending her final days with her family, and that's been really hard on everyone. Grieving starts the second you're told someone is going to die, but it's a waiting game... I want all of the time that I can have with he,r but I also want her to not be miserable anymore. It's a ticking clock in terms of when it will end. The doctors recently told us she has about a month left.
I've been very angry, very sad, very anxious, along with a lot of childhood trauma responses seeping back into place despite all of the progress I've had through therapy and medication. I'm emotionally exhausted, which has led me to be mentally burned out, and it's affected me physically overall.
It's hard to just sit down and distract myself or to go to work and mask as if everything is normal. I don't want to sit and talk about it nonstop or sob all of the time. However, I also don't want to suppress my emotions to the point that I just pop out of the blue. There's a lot of therapy work when it comes to grieving, but there doesn't seem to be a lot for anticipatory grief, and that's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm waking up, I'm getting out of bed, and I'm trying my best to just exist and do what I can until I figure out how to handle all of this.
Physical Health Status:
Aquatic Therapy:
Sadly, my aquatic therapy is on pause at the moment. Due to my LASIK eye surgery, I cannot be in swimming pools for a while due to the risk of eye infection. I will be having my Anal Fissure Surgery determined soon, as well as my Laprascopy which means longer healing times. So for now, it will be a lot easier to get back into therapy when I am physically able to.
Sadly, my aquatic therapy is on pause at the moment. Due to my LASIK eye surgery, I cannot be in swimming pools for a while due to the risk of eye infection. I will be having my Anal Fissure Surgery determined soon, as well as my Laprascopy which means longer healing times. So for now, it will be a lot easier to get back into therapy when I am physically able to.
Lasik:
My Smile/Lasik eye study went very well! I have 20/20 vision! I was very anxious the entire time, but at least they numbed my eyes really well. I knew they did because one of the drops I only felt go down my cheek, so I told the nurse that I don't think it hit my eye. She said it did, and it means they're numb enough if I didn't feel it.
They started with the SMILE laser, which was not my favourite. They taped my right eye shut and put a little tool in my left eye to keep it open. A little cone-shaped came straight down and cut a circle around my eye. It had pressure,e but it wasn't painful. I then saw nothing but whiteness for the next two mintues which they did not warn me about. I could hear them talking in terms of asking for tools as if I were in surgery (I was). I asked if it was normal to only see white, and they said yes. I just had to keep looking forward, which was hard to tell if I moved my eyeball or not without being able to see.
The next laser was the LASIK laser, and that was just as anxiety-ridden. They did the same thing by taping down my left eye and putting a tool in my right eye to hold it open. I then had to stare straight at a green blinking light. Looking forward was a little scarier this time due to the laser, but they said that if my eye moved, the laser would have a motion sensor to stop. I could smell my eye being burned, which added to my anxiety. Then everything went pitch black for about a minute. I was told to keep looking forward, which was also difficult without being able to see.
The end results were a success at least! I couldn't come home and sleep it off, due to my eyes having different laser experiences; I had to take my eye drops at very specific times, which was annoying. The cool outcome of it, though, is that my right eye can see rainbows at nighttime when looking at specific lights. It's kind of faded over time, but it makes me happy. They said that it's normal and will go away, I'll secretly be okay if it never does, though (as long as I heal, of course).
They started with the SMILE laser, which was not my favourite. They taped my right eye shut and put a little tool in my left eye to keep it open. A little cone-shaped came straight down and cut a circle around my eye. It had pressure,e but it wasn't painful. I then saw nothing but whiteness for the next two mintues which they did not warn me about. I could hear them talking in terms of asking for tools as if I were in surgery (I was). I asked if it was normal to only see white, and they said yes. I just had to keep looking forward, which was hard to tell if I moved my eyeball or not without being able to see.
The next laser was the LASIK laser, and that was just as anxiety-ridden. They did the same thing by taping down my left eye and putting a tool in my right eye to hold it open. I then had to stare straight at a green blinking light. Looking forward was a little scarier this time due to the laser, but they said that if my eye moved, the laser would have a motion sensor to stop. I could smell my eye being burned, which added to my anxiety. Then everything went pitch black for about a minute. I was told to keep looking forward, which was also difficult without being able to see.
The end results were a success at least! I couldn't come home and sleep it off, due to my eyes having different laser experiences; I had to take my eye drops at very specific times, which was annoying. The cool outcome of it, though, is that my right eye can see rainbows at nighttime when looking at specific lights. It's kind of faded over time, but it makes me happy. They said that it's normal and will go away, I'll secretly be okay if it never does, though (as long as I heal, of course).
Ultrasound:
Last February, I had to have an inner/outer ultrasound, which showed that I have a cyst and fibroid. I had the same ultrasound done this month, which showed that my fibroid didn't really grow, but the cyst did. My doctor keeps saying that the cyst will pop, but when I compared the results, it seems to be the same cyst, so I don't know. They also had a hard time capturing my left ovary both times.
Either way, I am officially referred to a doctor to do a Laparoscopy! Unfortunatly I don't have a consultation with him until March. I'm hoping that from there I can move forward and get this over with, even if they don't find endometriosis, maybe they can remove the fibroid and the cyst?
Health Wrap Up:
That's really it. My mental and physical health just kind of suck at the moment. I did go on a 3-mile walk with Juno 3 days in a row, which helped me mentally! Then it caused some strain on my left big toe due to the way my shoes are. So that adds to my anger and feeling defeated in terms of I'm trying really hard to take care of myself, but my body and brain keep invalidating that effort.
Final Thoughts:
One day at a time, one breath at a time and most of all one step at a time.
