December 2025

Blessed Yuletide

Yuletide celebrates the Winter Solstice, which marks the shortest day and longest night of the year. (Which also happens to be my birthday!). This holiday celebrates the rebirth of the sun, focusing on light, nature's cycles, feasting, and community. 

Typically, celebrations include bonfires, decorating with evergreens, holly, and mistletoe, burning a Yule Log, sharing food, telling stories, and honoring ancestral ways that extend for 12 days from the solstice.

To spoil Juno, we got him a dog-themed advent calendar that he loves! Each day, either a delicious seasonal-themed toy or treat! It was well worth it! 

Adventures!

     I went through a drive-through for the third time in my life, and I did so well that I tried it a few more times! There's a little coffee shop called Raw Bean Coffee, located next to the Smiths, where I pick up my groceries. I usually have Juno with me on my Sunday morning drives. Hardly anyone is on the road because of church, so it's perfect practice for me! We get gas, pick up our vehicle, and then grab a coffee with a pup cup, all in the same parking lot!

Sheldon sweetly bought me flowers as a random Just Because I Love You gift 💝

Annual Celebration of my Birth:

It was a very nice, laid-back birthday, which is exactly what I wanted! Sheldon took me to a cute little restaurant called Le Boeuf. It's a very tiny restaurant that looks cute and cozy on the inside. The food was really good! I ask Sheldon to take me to Olive Garden every year, but this place was even cheaper! They're only open for limited lunch and dinner hours. I'm glad we went for lunch when it wasn't too packed. I don't think it would have been as comfortable on a busy evening.

We then went to TOUS les JOURS to meet up with a friend. She was very nice to buy me whatever I wanted. I closed a tiny little flan jar and some macarons. We had a rose-flavored one, an Earl Grey-flavored one, and a Blueberry lavender-flavored one. I guess you can't tell I love flower-tasting things, can you? 

Athena VII: 

This coffee shop has been on my list to visit for a while. Sheldon took me on a Sunday breakfast date there! The coffee was delicious, but the food could have been better. We came back to give it a second shot during their Pegan market, where they supported local food drives. It was super cramped upstairs, and after doing one walk-through, I felt very overstimulated. At the only booth I stopped at, the seller told me I could touch anything and feel their energy. I picked up a handmade kaleidoscope, and it broke. He told me it was okay and that it shouldn't have done that, but I was panicking, picking everything up. We left after that; it was too much for me. At least I got to see what it was all about. 

The Bohemian:

A couple of long-time friends are moving away to Colorado. To say our goodbyes and celebrate their new adventure, we gathered and visited The Bohemian, a REALLY DELICIOUS German brewery! The wait time took an hour and a half, but it was well worth it! I will say that the heff wasn't my cup of tea, it contained banana and unless you really like banana... I wouldn't recommend it! They did, however, have a very delicious Key-Lime martini! 

Gaming:

They finally updated Deadzone: Rogue to have a zone four, and that's been SUPER FUN to play. Other than that, I haven't gamed much this month. 

Anime and K-Dramas:

I started watching "When Life Gives You Tangerines," and I can finally understand what all of the hype is about. It's a SUPER KAWAII little slice of life series. Netflix did a really great job with this one! 

Spotify Wrapped:

Here is a preview of the music I listened to this year. I didn't listen to Spotify much until it was closer to the time when I went to a concert, so I'm surprised I have as many listening minutes as I do.

Reading:

I've had a couple of good reads this month. I continued and finished "The Maze Runner" series. I'll later start their sister series, "The Maze Cutter." Gotta love my YA Dystopian novels. I'm almost finished with the Eragon series; I just have the standalone book called "Martagh" to read. The series is good, but it's a very slow-burning cozy read, and I need a little more fast-paced adventure for my liking. I also began the "Throne of Glass" series, and I'm really enjoying it so far! It's more of a fast-paced medieval dystopian series. Oh, and another really good one that I binged was called "My Darling DREADFUL Thing," which was super interesting. I'm not huge on horror in general, but this was a murder mystery horror that included a lot of mental health disorders, such as schizophrenia. 

The book I connected with the most was "I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jennette McCurdy. She narrated the audiobook version, which made it even more emotional to listen to! There was a lot to unpack after reading it because it hit me really hard. Listening to her read the audiobook edition made it even more meaningful. 

Her memoir is incredibly raw, and I grew up in a high-pressure, perfectionistic, unhealthy family system as well, so the relationship felt super validating for me. We did not have the same experiences, but she is about my age. She was one of my favorite childhood actors, so learning about her life behind the scenes and the similarities with her minor trauma-filled upbringing hit me emotionally. 

She wanted to start writing, not acting. Her mother shut her down because her mom was living her dream through her daughter. I didn't have this exact experience, but I did grow up with a lot of self-comparison thinking that I couldn't do something because someone else was always better at it. Nothing I ever did felt good enough because I didn't receive positive feedback to validate my creativity as a child. 

Her Mormon upbringing with the Holy Ghost was mainly OCD, where mine was complete anxiety. You think it's the spirit talking to you because that's what you're brainwashed into being told to listen to that still small voice inside of you, and that's when you'll know it's him. 

I grew up in a system of: 

- Obedience = Love

- Perfection = Worth

- Discomfort = Revelation

- Guilt = Spiritual Duty

My nervous system was closely tied to my sense of value at a very young age. I wasn't taught "I'm a human." I was taught, "I'm  a project to fix or fail." 

We both suffered from narcissistic parents with poverty and emotional parentification. 

I always felt I had to please my parents and not disappoint them. To "learn" from my older siblings' mistakes. 
I was basically the emotional glue of the family, the peacemaker. 

I grew up to learn to: 

- Read the room constantly

- Anticipate other people's emotions

-shrinking myself so others felt validated

- Believing that my job was to not cause trouble

- Connecting my worth to what I do and not to who I am. 

We both were taught about body image and guilt around eating from a very young age. 

That Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a bitch! 

Secretly inside, I always think I'm fat even when people say I'm skinny, and a lot of the time I feel guilty when I eat, especially if it's not considered healthy. 

It's internalized family body-shame and not reality. I grew up with the nickname of Mini, so I was constantly being called "Skinny Mini." No one meant any harm from it, but with my perfectionism, it put another expectation check mark in my brain. 

She had full-on anorexia and bulimia that she learned from her mom. I, on the other hand, grew up hearing my mom and sisters call themselves fat even when they are skinny. Despite the junior high classes that taught about how the media uses Photoshop and about loving yourself, I experienced psychological reactance (I wanted to do the opposite of what I was told). I probably didn't believe it all because it was what school was supposed to say to you, and I saw the opposite at home. 

- Thiness = Moral Virtue

- Hugner = weakness

- Eating = Shame

- Your Body = A project to critique

Even if I never had full-on anorexia or bulimia, the emotional architecture of disordered eating was still there: 

- Body-Checking

- Guilt after eating

- Moralizing food

- Feeling my own worth was tied to size

- "I must not take up too much space."

It was all trauma behavior, not vanity. 

I already had a sensitive stomach growing up. My anxiety would be so bad that I threw up stomach acid before school. Never on purpose, I couldn't control it, and doctors couldn't diagnose it, regardless of the physical tests that they ran. It was psychological, so anxiety wasn't looked into as an option back then. So I never really ate breakfast, and I would get hungry by lunchtime just fine. 

So when this pressure to be skinny kicked in, I started restricting my eating a lot and being mindful of my calories/sugars. Then, when high school hit, I told myself that it was okay to eat anything as long as I worked out, so I got super into sports. It wasn't the healthiest of mindsets, but it did slip me back into eating again. 

That's why the nutritionist I saw this year was heavy set on me doing the anti-diet Intuitive Eating. It has helped a lot. I'm still working on it. Listening to my body and learning to love it through somatic therapy. Everyone heals differently, and I'm still untangling a lot of trauma and healing from things I didn't realize were hurting me in the first place. 

I felt so much empathy and sadness after reading the book. Jennette wrote the book in such a way that gave survivors permission to say: 

"I didn't imagine that. My pain is real! My upbringing mattered." 

At the very end of it all, nothing of my experience that I described above was my fault. These patterns weren't created by me; they were given to me. My brain is not malfunctioning; it's protecting me from the roles I was forced into. Now that I've started to unpack them, it's brave, it's messy, and it's essential!

Caffeine & Legends December's Monthly Book Box 

Caffeine & Legends Winter Season Book Box

Limited Edition Early Release Book!
I used to subscribe to this book box; they had a winter deal that got you a hat and a book for $5. The catch is that you have to subscribe for full price the next month before cancelling, but that's okay with me. 

Allure Book Club
I also got suckered into Book of the Month's other subscription service for a discount. It'll be the same thing, I'll do it again next month, and then cancel it. I just wanted the specific book, but hey, I got a free hat with it that says Morally Grey. 

Mental Health Status:

Psychiatry/Psychology: 

Well, I've been struggling a lot this month due to the seasonal change. Everything is cold, so my flare-ups are more frequent, and my muscles feel stiffer overall. It's dark so fast... I couldn't see my psychologist last month because I was sick, and then she was ill for our first scheduled appointment this month. Afterwards, I had to cancel an appointment because I double-booked her with my psychiatry appointment, and renewing my medication is a lot more critical at the moment. Speaking of psychiatry, she upped my antidepressants just for the season, and we will see next month how I'm doing with the change.   

As for Psychology, we had one session this month, so I focused on my therapy workbooks. Her schedule is limited until March, so I've scheduled each week that I can see her and made sure it's all in my phone so nothing contradicts. We went over my progress from this year and talked bout things to help my EHS sleeping disorder. The thing is, I'm dreaming a little more and remembering them a little more, and not all of them are nightmares, which is good. I've reached a point where, when I notice I'm in a dream, I don't try to wake myself up or take control anymore; I just say, "Oh, I'm in a dream," and let my brain do its thing. 

I for sure have felt a lot more spaced out with my ADHD. With my chronic pain discomfort and being overall more tired in the winter, I have been dissociating a lot to get through the day. I have also been leaning into that dopamine brain cycle where I window-shop and want to purchase everything. Which I know doesn't ultimately satisfy. I also have enough self-control to focus on paying off debt, not creating more.  I can't lie and say my brain doesn't slide down those tempting thoughts of "Just pay for it later" every now and then. I guess I can thank my sperm donor for being unmedicated and doing nothing but being in constant debt growing up, all thanks to his uncontrollable impulse to shop (especially with sales). Our home was a hoarder house and literally had paths to every room before my parents divorced.  Thinking about that helps me remember that I am strong and have self-control. 

This next little part was so emotionally messy for me to write that I did have help legibly wording my feelings: 

This final week of December has brought a challenge I never expected. A close family member is currently hospitalized due to severe alcoholism, and while I will protect their privacy and avoid any identifying details, it has shaken me up pretty good

This situation has resurfaced some painful childhood patterns for me. I slipped into that old survival mode where I box up my own emotions, tell myself “If I don’t do this, no one will,” and disconnect from everything I’m feeling. I stayed overnight at the hospital the first night because their condition was so severe — disoriented, confused, in danger. I ended up awake for 34 hours straight. When I finally walked outside to go home, completely exhausted, I saw floaters everywhere from lack of sleep… and then all of the emotions I had been stuffing down crashed into me all at once.

I questioned myself. Wondered whether I handled things right. But deep down I know I did — it was just the shock and fear catching up to me after holding it together for so long.

The part that shattered me the most was hearing them say that quitting drinking feels scarier than dying. That they drink when they’re happy, sad, or angry — that alcohol is intertwined with every emotion. And then the doctor said something I will never forget:

If they drink again, they will die.

Their liver is struggling to recover. The doctors warned that without constant monitoring, a transplant could become necessary.

It’s heartbreaking. It’s scary. And it’s one of those moments life throws at you that forces you to confront old wounds while trying to hold space for new ones.

I’m still processing, and I’m still tired — but I’m here. Caring, hoping, and trying to take this one step at a time.

 Physical Health Status:

Aquatic Therapy:

After a full year of normal therapy, I am finally stepping out into the world of aquatic therapy. The place I found is super close to home, so I can be comfortable driving to and from. The only irony is that it's connected to an elderly rehab center. After evaluating my pain, my doctor asked me if I've ever considered using a cane to walk with. I said that I have, but I'm too stubborn, and she said I'm not the only one here. 🙃

Starting my following sessions in the pool has been meeting my expectations. Other than finding balance against the water resistance, I think it's starting to help me a lot. I have high hopes for it anyways. I literally am the only "young" person in the pool, but I don't mind it at all. So far, everyone is friendly. They even did some water cupping for my neck/shoulders, and I think it helped a lot. They did tell me to pace myself as we go. I don't want to overdo it and hurt afterwards, just because I could easily do things in the water without the pain that I feel from doing them outside of water. 

I also accidentally broke my glasses by dropping them when I took a shower in the locker room. Luckily, I still have my old pair of the same prescription to use until I have my surgery next month. 

Hoops Vision: 

Hoops Vision is conducting a study on people with astigmatism and Myopia (near-sightedness). I signed up for the research and was accepted for evaluation! The eye testing took 3 hours, which was exhausting! In the end, I qualified, so it was worth it! 

This study involves surgery on one eye with LASIK and the other with SMILE. Both lasers are different processes, and they want to see the difference that these lasers make/compare them for people with my condition. They said that they conducted this study last year with about 40 applicants using lasers that are just a grade below these current ones, and everyone came out with 20/20 vision! I'll get the surgery at 50% off, and if I make it to every follow-up appointment, I'll receive $100 back for my time. 

Ironic since earlier this year, in one of these posts, I said I was afraid to get the surgery. I still am, but I don't want to pass up 50% off, and improving my sight would be nice, considering everything is so blurry without my glasses. 

One of the tests was very interesting. They took me to a room to read an eye chart, but it was pattern-based and dark. It tests my ability to see in the dark. My right eye could see the patterns up to the 4th or 5th circle of each row. However, my left eye couldn't see past the first row on any of them! The doctor sounded shocked by this, so my left eye's night vision isn't great. 

Gynecology:

I finally ended up emailing my doctor because the pain got so bad. I listed every symptom I’ve been dealing with since she put me on birth control. I skip my periods because the medication is supposed to help my cysts, but once a month—right on schedule—I still get what I call “ghost periods.” All the symptoms show up, just without the bleeding.

The worst part is the daily cramping. It feels like period cramps every single day, which definitely shouldn’t be happening. Sometimes it even feels like I can tell which ovary I’m “ovulating” from, even though she said I shouldn’t be ovulating at all on this medication. On top of that, I get this intense bloating, like there’s a balloon inside me. With how far I’ve come in pelvic floor therapy, I shouldn’t be having that level of discomfort anymore. And there are days when it genuinely feels like someone is gripping my ovaries in their fists and squeezing as hard as they can.

Then there’s the digestive stuff — diarrhea or constipation — but only during the weeks when I would generally have a period.

She mentioned the possibility of IBS, which is common in neurodivergent people. Still, since my symptoms only happen on a particular schedule, she doesn’t think that’s the most likely explanation. My fibroid could be contributing to a lot of this pain, too. The next step is another ultrasound, and we’ll proceed from there.

The good news is she’s more open now to looking into PCOS, endometriosis, or even a full hysterectomy. I’m waiting to see what the ultrasound shows, but honestly, I would love to have everything removed. The only hesitation is that removing everything doesn’t stop endometriosis from growing if I do have it, so I’ll need to explore all my options before making any big decisions.

She validated my feelings about a doctor I saw earlier this year, who told me that losing more weight would help my chronic pain. My gynecologist’s response? That doctor is full of shit. I’m not overweight at all—and even if I were, that wouldn’t dismiss the fact that I’m in pain. Hearing that helped me so much mentally, because I still catch myself being hard on myself about all of it. Between that doctor and another one who told me, “Well, it’s natural to be sore after exercise,” it’s tough not to gaslight myself when a professional says things like that.

I used to play sports in high school, and after that, I got into Beachbody workouts at home. It wasn’t until around 2024, when my foot and ankle pain started, that I slowly began backing off on how much I exercised. Even now, I still have the Beachbody subscription I bought for this year that I try to use off and on, plus my walks with Juno. When I think about all of that, it helps me revalidate myself. I know my body. I know the difference between normal post-workout soreness and the actual physical pain I experience.

Health Wrap Up:

At this current moment, I'm not going to my cyropractor or acupuncture appointments. I have mixed feelings about them. Sometimes I feel like they help, and other times I feel like they're a placebo effect. The scientific evidence and history of both practices also vary. For now, it's extra appointments on my schedule that I don't want to overwhelm myself with, considering I am starting aquatic therapy once a week. 

I have felt a little stressed out for next year with all of it. If aquatic therapy doesn't help improve my Achilles tendonitis, the next step is to look into surgery. 

Speaking of surgery, remember that anal fissure I had earlier this year? Well, despite my doctor being excited that I was one of the few people the medication worked for, it's time to disappoint her. It keeps coming back, then healing, then coming back. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing diet-wise (daily fiber and hydration). I guess the muscle the fissure is on is very common and often requires surgical repair. She doesn't have any availability until February to look at it, so it's a waiting game. 

Overall, I might start next year with LASIK/SMILE surgery for sure, and possibly a laparoscopic surgery (Or Hysterectomy), a Lateral Internal Sphincterotomy, and maybe Achilles Tendonitis Surgery. Still, I'm super hopeful about aquatic therapy. 

I also have my six-month check-up in February, which will be a 10-month post-op check-up instead of my nasal surgery this last spring. She wasn't available in October, when it would have been my six-month appointment. Then I had my two-week cold in November, when I was supposed to have my appointment. She's too booked for December, and her January availability falls on all the days I have to work. That's okay, though. I've healed well. The only thing is that, even though I'm no longer sick, I still get tickles in my throat off and on, which leads to excessive coughing. I don't feel ill or congested, but I sometimes cough up clear mucus. I read that it can be a side effect of the nasal surgery. It's a common post-nasal drip that should clear up over time. The weather and air quality probably aren't helping me any. 

I was reminded of an upcoming survey check-in for the University of Utah's cannabis research study that I joined earlier this year. I almost forgot about it, but it gave me a little peace of mind for some side income when I got the text. That study doesn't prohibit me from joining other studies, so I found another one through the University of Utah about the effects of fish oil and depression. After discussing the study with them, I decided it wouldn't be a good fit for me. I already take fish oil as part of my daily supplements, as well as the cost for the Lyft rides to and from the center downtown would basically be what the study cost is, if not a little less. But that's okay, maybe something else will come my way, maybe not. 

Final Thoughts:

I was so conflicted about writing this blog at the start of the year. I felt insecure, as if I was rambling, because who would want to read about my life, thoughts, and feelings every month? I've gained the confidence now, so I don't care about what I write. This is my blog about my life, and if anyone doesn't like it, then they don't have to read it. 

It has helped me feel better about my social disconnect. Social media was way too negative for my brain. On the one hand, I wanted validation through likes; on the other, a personal connection. I get very antisocial and sometimes would rather scroll through people's updates than actually talk. But I also like a fair balance where people do care enough to reach out or reply back to have that personal connection.  So, to those of you who willingly read this every month, thank you! 

I will also have to come up with new titles for next year now that I've run through all of the traditional Pagan holidays. It was suggested that I look into other cultural holidays, which I'm willing to do. I mainly did the pagan ones to share my personal spiritual beliefs with everyone. 

With that, thank you for spending this entire year reading about my monthly emotions, thoughts, and adventures! I will see you next year!